I have debated back and forth whether to post this. I intended this blog to be a record of our adoption journey. Well, something happened this week. It is a part of our journey, so here goes.

On last Monday I was experiencing a very heavy period. Prior to that I had been spotting almost everyday for 2 weeks. My co-worker told me I should definitely get checked out. "You know what it might be" she said. "Cancer?" I replied. "No, a botched pregnancy" she said. "Yeah, right," I said. But I went ahead and scheduled my fist gynecological exam since we did the IVF back in 2006. Very irresponsible of me, but that's how it goes.

Before the IVF, I was going to an all woman practice in Williamsburg. I didn't have time to schedule an appointment with them. However, we now have a female gynecologist locally and I decided to check her out. My mom is an ER nurse and she gave her two thumbs up. So last Wednesday I went. When I finally saw the doctor, we discussed my problem. I also shared that we had undergone fertility treatments and were on the path to adoption. She's a wonderful doctor. She explained that she would take a endometrial biopsy, a blood sample to test my hormones and I would need to come back for an ultrasound once my period was done to check for fibroids. By the way, they would automatically test for pregnancy even though we both knew it would be negative.

After being out of the office briefly on Thursday, my co-worker said, "Your doctor wants you to call her on her cell phone." What? So as I dialed the number, all I could think was "Cancer". I made myself sit down while the phone rang. The doctor picked up and thus began to explain that while my biopsy results were not in yet, my bloodwork was. She said my hormones looked good. Thyroid was fine. "But, are you sitting down?" she asked. Well, yes actually I was. "Your pregnancy test came back positive."

The ground could have opened up and swallowed me whole. Scrape me off the floor, etc. etc. I hung up the phone and laid my head on my desk and just started crying. My co-worker asked, "Are you ok?". I said, I'm not dying. She asked, Is it the other thing? I said one way or the other. She said don't be sad, if it happened once, it could happen again. I heard what she was saying, but couldn't explain what I was really crying about. For probably the one time in my life, someone actually said to me- "Your pregnancy test came back positive"

Before hanging up, the doctor explained that this could be a pregnancy or a miscarriage. I needed to go back for bloodwork to find out. I went back the next day and the bloodwork confirmed that there had been a miscarriage. It's a sad thing. But I don't feel sad. I feel like it was a little Christmas miracle. For 24 hours, I was pregnant. If it never happens again, I will always be grateful for that little bit of time. I know it shouldn't make a difference in how I feel about myself, but it does. Believe me, I am not going back to the whole trying to get pregnant ordeal. I have no desire to go through a pregnancy at 43 years of age. Adoption is not a consolation prize. I believe adoption is how we are meant to expand our family and can't wait for the day we get the call that we will finally become parents