Open Adoption Roundtable #18

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be part of the Open Adoption Bloggers list to participate, or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Publish your response--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and leave a link to your post in the comments. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

We each interacted with at least one professional during the adoption process (agency, lawyer, facilitator, consultant, hospital social worker, etc.). What was one thing that they did that was most supportive of open adoption? What one thing was least supportive?


I have taken quite a break from blogging about our adoption journey. I needed it. We had a very dramatic experience in June in which we were chosen by a birth family. Sadly, we turned it down. I have a lot of regrets about it and I didn't know how to write about our experience for the longest time. And then I saw this topic for Open Adoption Roundtable. I guess this is not specifically about open adoption since we never made it that far in our failed match. But hopefully our experience can help someone out there.

When we started this journey, I was under the impression all adoption professionals were like our agency's social worker. She conducted our home study in such a professional and caring manner. We had to answer a lot of very personal questions. She never judged. When we were stumped for answers, she would explain the significance of the question which would help us give our answers. I know she was a busy person, but she always made us feel like we were the most important people she was talking to that day.

In June, we inquired about an online posting for a birth mother listing. I emailed our info on a Sunday and was contacted almost immediately. We had not heard of the agency, but everything looked on the up and up. We were told they would "present" us to the birth parents that afternoon and we would have a phone interview that evening. We were very nervous during the phone call but answered the questions from the birth parents as best we could. As soon as we hung up, the agency representative called us back. She started pressing us to see how we thought it went, etc. Then the other social worker called to ask us to email her some pics so the couple could see them. What happened to them presenting us to the couple??? We have the blog, etc. Anyway, I was in the middle of sending pics when I got an email that the couple had chosen us. This was within one hour of the phone call. We were a little taken aback. We asked the agency if they could give us an idea how the couple could have chosen us so quickly without even seeing pics of us. (The couple had admitted on the phone that they didn't know a thing about us.) We were given the stock answer that one never knew why birth parents picked an adoptive couple and let's talk in the morning. It was after 10pm at that point.

So began a week long struggle with the agency. They pressed us for a yes or no the very next day. The couple needed financial help immediately. We were not able to make such a life altering decision within 24 hours so we said no to the match to allow the couple to pursue other avenues. The agency reps kept at us insisting we were the ones the birth parents wanted. They would work with us, we were told. Well, "working" with us was just asking for money immediately. We were very sympathetic to the couple's plight. But, not prepared to make a decision within a few hours time, we declined again.

The rest of the week went by in a blur. I won't go into further detail except to say I felt like I was driven through an emotional minefield. The agency's social worker pushed and pushed. She was not unkind, just pushy. And in my opinion resorted to nothing short of emotional blackmail describing the couple's financial predicament. I left work one day in uncontrollable tears. I felt so bad for the couple's situation. But at that point, we really needed more time to make our decision. We asked to have until the following Monday to give our decision. We were only granted this time to think because we offered to pay for a hotel room for the couple. In the end, we consulted our adoption lawyer and our adoption agency rep. We talked to our family and friends and another couple who had adopted twice. Every time we described what we were going through, it just felt wrong. Not because of the birth parents, but because of the agency staff.

In the end, we declined a third time. In my email to explain our decision (I didn't trust myself to remain composed over the phone), I offered that perhaps their methods were not what we were used to. I got the most scathing email back. We were accused of being scared and because of our indecision, this couple had lost precious time in finding an adoptive family for their child. I can't even record how nasty and in my opinion, unprofessional, this email was. I truly believe this agency was legitimate. I truly believe this couple had a real need. I just was just so shocked at how we were treated by the agency upon giving our final decision.

Perhaps the social worker was right. We were scared to make such a quick decision. We even told the agency that this was the first time we had been chosen as prospective adoptive parents and that making such a quick decision was so unsettling. But I don't think we deserved to get dressed down like we were in that final email.

It's taken me some time to wrap my head around it all. I do not feel it was a wasted experience. We learned a lot about ourselves and now know we need to prepare ourselves better for the next possible adoption opportunity. I said before that I did not know how to write about this experience. But in reality, I have hesitated because I am scared the agency is monitoring this blog for my negative reaction. While I disapprove of their methods, I do not hold a personal grudge. I understand their need to protect the couple and their needs. I publish this post, not out of spite, but hoping it will help other couples hoping to adopt.