National Adoption Awareness Month

November is National Adoption Awareness month. I haven't been thinking about adoption much over the last year or so since I last posted. I've taken a long break from writing any new posts. I guess I feel like this is a blog about my journey into the world of adoption and lately there hasn't been much adoption news going on with me. I went cold turkey on reading adoption blogs and started following Mommy blogs. I've spent my time, well, just parenting. The adoption really is not a factor in our everyday life right now.

So now, Richard is a very active, chatty (and a little bossy) 2 and a half year old. We've had a lot of fun this past year. We've had challenges too. He started at a local pre-school/daycare program in September. It was a big adjustment for him. He loves it, but he gets into trouble when they have to discipline him. He does his time out just fine. But throws a horrible fit when he has to say "I'm sorry". He is getting better at it however. There have been a few playground incidents, too. But he's just like all the other kids learning how to get along together.

I've watched him grow in many ways this year. It has occurred to me that he is starting to comprehend concepts like relationships and family. His world has been filled with Mom & Dad and Papa & Mamanita and Grandma & Grandpa. And now he's starting to make some friends at school. So knowing that he is understanding relationships between people makes adoption issues creep back into my mind. I believe he is at a point where we can start talking about adoption.

And it is worrying me. We never meant to keep this fact from him. But it never seemed like something he would understand, until now. I'm wishing I had found a way to bring the subject of his adoption up more in our everyday lives.

So now I'm scrambling, trying to form a plan to ease this subject into our conversations. I've seen a few recommendations for books about adoption. He loves when we read to him. So that is probably a good place to start.

One book I've read about is by Jamie Lee Curtis called "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born". I love her and have always wanted to read her book. She wrote it for her daughter who happens to be adopted.

Before Richard was born in March 2011, I bought two copies of this book. It's a childrens book by Kelsey Stewart, a birth mother who made adoption plans for 3 of her children. She has a great blog called A Birth Mother Voice.

Before we left the hospital with Richard, I handed a copy to Richard's birth mother, R. I told her that I planned to read my copy to him one day and tell him the story of his birth. I have some really great photos of R and Richard together at the hospital and ones of all four of us. R gave us some great shots of her family. I have them tucked away waiting to show him each one. I hope he will come to love looking at these and realize that he was not "given away", but that his family made a very loving decision to place him with us. And that's what Kelsey's book is about.

I don't know how Richard is going to take the story of his birth and adoption. I imagine that he will have a lot of questions. Or perhaps he'll just accept it and get on with his busy toddler life. Anyway, I'm nervous. But I know it must be done.

July

July 2012 has been quite a month. A week before Richard's 15 month check up, as usual, I had to take him to the doctor. He had a cough for a few days. Then I picked him up from daycare one day and his eye looked funny. By bath time, I realized he had conjunctivitis (pink eye). Went to the doctor the next day and come to find out, not only did he have pink eye, he also had a double ear infection. So, he needed antibiotics. It was all cleared up by the time of his check up. But then, Hunter and I wound up sick. Him with a sinus infection. Me with some viral infection that involved my throat, nose and eyes (aka: pink eye). So, antibiotics for Mom & Dad.

 In the middle of this. Sassy disappeared. I had taken her to the Vet late June. Something just wasn't right. They did blood work and it all looked ok. I brought her home and 5 days later she disappeared. She was gone 2 and a half weeks. I called and called her. Our neighbor thought she heard a cat. Hunter searched, with no results. Fourth of July came and went. No kitty. Then on the 11th of July at midnight (I don't know what I was doing up) she came through her pet door. She was skin and bones and had terrible injuries. We couldn't believe it. I thought she was gone forever.

We went straight to the Vet the next morning. Looks like she got caught in a car engine. Her wounds looked like the work of a fan belt. Poor baby. So guess who else had to have antibiotics.

After about a week and a half, she was coming around. Her front paws aren't as swollen. Her wounds are healing nicely. I asked Hunter how many lives did she have left. She is nearly 12 years old.

With a lot of TLC she's getting better. She's moving around but limping. We took her to the vet Saturday for a follow up. He said it's going to take time for her to heal but her paws are not broken.

After Richard's 15 month check up, he couldn't quite shake his cough. I got worried and took him to the doctor. Sure enough, he had another ear infection. The doctor asked what antibiotic he was on last time. I said amoxicillin. Then said, wait, we have all been on antibiotics for the last couple of weeks. You better check your records to be sure. Glad she didn't rely on my memory.

And today we took him on his first dental appointment. Sorry, buddy! But he did great. And that's a whole other story.

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day to

Hunter

Poppa

and Grandpa

Did I Mention I Love "Modern Family"?

I can't get "Modern Family" out of my head. The last episode this year really touched me. At the beginning of the season, Mitch and Cam, fathers of Lily, decided they wanted to add to their family. They announced they were planning to adopt a baby boy. There were a few other adoption issues on TV shows this season. One of them was on "Glee". I like "Glee". But the birth mother issue in those episodes could have been represented better. A lot of people criticized the way they portrayed Quinn's anger and wanting to have her baby returned. But, you know, I bet there are birth mothers out there who can identify with those feelings. So, that's all I have to say about that.

But the thing I can't get out of my head, is the scene where Mitch and Cam wander out into a field after learning that they would not be bringing home a baby. I could write a million blog posts and never make anyone understand what that feeling is like. But, the two of them, laying in that field, holding hands, comforting each other... I've been there and I know what that's like. I've said it before. Adoption is not easy and that's probably what makes it so rewarding. I'm so glad the writers didn't take the easy way out of this story line.

Adoption Day

We started filing our adoption papers in October 2011. Long story short, we received the final order of adoption on Wednesday, May 2nd. We celebrated by going to Aunt Ouizer's  Kentucky Derby Party. It was a Hat Party. So much fun!

Today, we go on Richard's first boat ride for the annual Blessing of the Fleet.

Adoption update

Even though Richard has been with us since birth, we could only start the legal part of adopting him last October. We did our part filling out the necessary paperwork from our agency and attorney. So we have just been waiting for all the red tape to be passed back and forth between the court, our agency/attorney and the state. We got an email from our social worker a couple of weeks ago saying that she just knew the final order of adoption would come through before his first birthday. Then around Richard's birthday the SW said she was going to check and see what was taking so long. Turns out the judge asked for something to be changed in the paperwork. Our attorney had already taken care of it and we are still waiting.

What this means is that Richard is still a ward of Children's Home Society and we are still his guardians/prospective adoptive parents. Once the final order of adoption is signed by the judge, we then have to apply for a new birth certificate and social security number for him. So it looks like we will be filing an extension on our tax return this year. But this is just a blip on the radar screen of our adoption journey. So, we are not too worried about it.

In the mean time, I saw this article about Mariska Hargitay who has adopted two children. In the article she says something Hunter and I heard several times during our adoption jouney, "Adoption is not for the faint of heart". Her description of her adoption journey really struck a chord in me. She and her husband went through a failed placement. While she acknowledges how painful the experience was, she also points out that it was the best thing for the birth parent and her child.

I think this attitude is the most important thing prospective adoptive parents have to realize. It is not about you. It is about finding the right home for the child. I know I was guilty of the "why me?" syndrome when we had infertility issues. It continued when we decided to adopt and when the waiting period dragged on and on. Then one day, it all clicked for me. The most important person in the adoption triad (birth parent, child, adoptive parent) is the child. This realization helped me redirect my frustrations about adopting into making sure I was living my life to the fullest and not just waiting for a child to come into our lives.

I'm so glad Mariska has shared her adoption experiences. She didn't have to. It's nobody's business. But, thankfully, like Nia Vardalos, she has chosen to use her celebrity to highlight just how fantastic adoption can be.

One Year

One year ago today, we brought Richard home.

He is our love. He is our companion. We love you Richard!

Happy Birthday, sweet Richard!

March 31, 2011

March 30, 2012

The Birthday Week Kickoff!

Richard held court at the Southern Ladies Social Club's monthly lunch. He was the guest of honor for his upcoming birthday.

 Auntie J gave him a Bullseye Rocking Horse.

It's a big hit! Good thing his birthday is coming up because I think he needs a few more toys ;)

He is practicing for Auntie Ouizer's Kentucky Derby Party

Richard's cousin M is going to make him an Otter cake for the big day

The otters were his favorite part of visiting the NC Aquarium back in October.

This year has gone so fast. I know it's a cliche, but it's true. Happy Birthday week, my little buddy!

Sweet Child of Mine

I took Richard to the local elementary school's book fair today. I was signed in by the lovely wife of a schoolmate of mine. Found out another schoolmate was working in the office today. Great to see her. Then I got to the library. Kids were going through one by one. Very encouraging to see them wanting to buy books. I made my choices for my boy and stood in line to pay. A lady in the library looked at Richard and asked, "does he have a brother here at school". I said, "No, he is an only child." She then asked, "Whose child is he?" I said, "I'm sorry". Thought I had not heard her correctly. She repeated, "Whose child is he?".

All I could think to say was "He is mine".

This is on top of being referred to as Richard's "Grandma" this week at the grocery store.

I suppose things could be worse...

Nature Boy

March weather has been crazy. Earlier in the month, Richard got to see snow falling for the first time. It was brief and melted almost immediately, but he was fascinated.

Next thing you know, it's so nice we decided to go for a walk. We picked daffodils. They are Mama's favorite.

Then, on St. Patrick's Day, Hunter decided to do some work outside. It's his favorite thing to do. And last summer he had to curtail his outdoor activities to help with the little guy. I had stuff to do inside, so I said, "take him outside with you." So, we strapped Richard on Hunter's back and away they went for about an hour and a half.

I thought the baby would be miserable. But, he was actually laughing when Hunter was raking the leaves. He couldn't stop watching Daddy rake. So cute!

On the adoption front, we got an email from our social worker that all the final paperwork had been filed with our local court and should be finalized before Richard's first birthday on March 30th.

And the birthday countdown begins!!

A day we will always remember!

It was exactly one year ago today that I received a call from our adoption agency telling us Richard's Birth Mother wanted to meet us. I don't think I can ever forget all the emotions of that day. Hopeful, ecstatic, cautious and so curious about this possible match. You can read my post from a year ago here. Adoption is not the easiest way to grow a family. But, it can be so rewarding! We know how lucky we are to have been chosen to be this little guy's parents. Can't believe his 1st birthday is coming up so soon.

No more "Me Time"

I have a confession. I really want some "me time".

This morning the baby woke up at 6:30am. That was after we didn't get home until after 9pm last night. His bath was late. He got to bed late. We thought he would sleep late. But he didn't. *sigh*

So this morning, we fed him, changed his diaper, fed him again, changed his diaper again. This is the week Hunter's church just has Sunday school and Hunter likes to take Richard with him because they have a nursery. I like the idea too, 'cause it gives me a little piece of "me time". Well, this morning, 9:30 couldn't come soon enough. I kept watching the clock wishing 9:30 would get here. I had all kinds of plans for my time. Catching up on "Glee" maybe, or finally watching "Bridesmaids".

And when the two of them left, I just couldn't seem to sit still. I really wanted a nap, but I just couldn't do it. There were clothes to be folded and washed. The bathroom really needed cleaning. What were we going to have for dinner?? So I started my chores. Initially I was in a bad mood about it all. Why do I have to do all this and why can't I enjoy a little peace and quiet??

And then as I was folding my baby boy's clothes, I knew why. Because I'm a MOM! This time last year I was in a very low place emotionally. Today, every time I folded a piece of clothing or stepped over a toy, I just looked to the sky and thanked God for my husband and my little boy! I am so fortunate and hope I never lose sight of that.

By the way, we had snow last night. Not much, but it's Richard's first snow. Had to take a picture.

10 Months Old

My posts are getting further apart. I guess this is for two reasons. One: that I have a very active 10 month old boy to look after. Two: that this blog is about our adoption journey and that is a part of our lives that is winding down. We have gone from prospective adoptive parents, to adoptive parents and now just just parents. Richard is 10 months old today. It is also his father's 47th Birthday.

In October, we were informed by our adoption agency that we could contact an adoption attorney and start the official adoption procedures. This included signing documents for the attorney so they would have access to the adoption agency's reports on our progress as a family. Not knowing how long any of this would take, we just waited. Then, in November, we got an email from our attorney's paralegal saying she had not received the agency's paperwork. Come to find out, someone at the agency had just filed away the letter requesting the home study, etc. After an email to them the agency got right back in line with sending the proper paperwork.

Fast forward through the holidays. We got word through the attorney that the paperwork for our adoption had been filed with the local circuit court. Hunter called them to see if we had to wait for the circuit court session in January. In this small town, the court only meets once every 3 months. But the staff assured us that the judge would get the paperwork and could sign off on it at anytime. Hunter checked with the clerk last week and they said that the judge had only signed one of the three documents sent. We checked with the attorney and she said this was absolutely right. So we have two more documents that need to go through the courts which include paperwork passing from the agency to the circuit court judge. I can't believe how slow it all happens.

In the mean time, Richard is getting so big. He has 8 teeth now. He has gone from crawling to walking around the furniture. He got a big boy haircut last week. He went from this

To this

And now he's doing this!

Adoption Tax Credit

I saw this forum post on Adoptive Families magazine's web site today. It's a link to a petition supporting not abolishing the adoption tax credit in 2013. I don't know everything about the adoption tax credit bill. I just know that as Hunter and I await the circuit court judge's signature on our attorney's request to finalize our adoption, this tax credit is something that will help us with our adoption costs. We were lucky, our agency bases its fee on each household's income. So, that was already a big help. But then we have attorney fees on top of that. It adds up.

Apparently the adoption tax credit will disappear in 2013. I think this is a terrible shame. There are so many ordinary families like us who could give a child a home. We're not all like "Brangelina"! Adoption is already filled with so many emotional up and downs. This tax credit can really make the difference for people out there who want to help a child.

I've installed a link on the side bar. If you care about adoption, please go and add your name to the petition.

Things to be thankful for...

One year ago on Thanksgiving I posted this. At the time, we had been matched with a birth mother and had so much to look forward to. It didn't work out. I don't want to rehash what happened. But I am glad I read this post again today. So much has changed in the last year. But the thoughts in last year's post have not changed. I am still so thankful.

I am thankful for our family of three.

.

I am thankful my mom has beaten breast cancer.

I am thankful for my in-laws who look after Richard whenever we need help.

I am thankful for my husband who has had the biggest change in his life these last 8 months. He has passed childcare 101 with flying colors. Yeah, I might get mad at him for quoting WebMD a million times a week. But, at least he has his child's best interest at heart. Thank you, Hunter, for being a fabulous Dad!

And mostly, I'm thankful for this little guy. By the way, he just started crawling last night!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!



Thank you, Veterans!

In honor of Veteran's Day, I am reposting this from 2 years ago. My mom and I were fortunate to help welcome home the USS Bainbridge back to Norfolk after it's successful pirate-hunting deployment. My cousin, who is now a veteran, was one of her crew members. Thanks to all the veterans and to those who are still serving!

Open Adoption Roundtable #30

Do you remember the first time you heard about open adoption?
If you need some further prompting: What were the circumstances? What was your reaction? If you grew up in an open adoption, do you remember the first time you heard the label applied to your relationships?

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Write a response at your blog--linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs--and share your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I'd appreciate it if you'd add a link back to the roundtable. If you don't blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

We were so confused about adoption. After our fertility treatments failed in 2006, we looked towards adoption. We knew we wanted to become a family through adoption. But it took us 3 years to decide how to make it happen.  We concentrated on foreign adoption because, quite frankly, that's all we could find information on back then.

We decided to go to an adoption orientation for an agency in Northern Virginia which advertised both foreign and domestic adoptions. They went on and on about the foreign adoptions. Then spent 10 minutes explaining domestic adoption. I swear the social worker rolled her eyes throughout the whole explanation. It was absolutely no help. They made domestic adoption sound impossible and there was no mention of open adoption.

Then, in 2009 when foreign adoption became much more complicated by the Hague Treaty, we decided to look into domestic adoption again. Long story short, we were lead to the Childrens Home Society of Virginia. We attended yet another adoption seminar and it is there that we first encountered the term "Open Adoption" and we truly did not know what to think. Their presentation was all about openess in adoption. Although we were not sure about an open adoption, we loved the staff and decided to take the adoption plunge.

During our home study the question about openess finally came up. They wanted to know if we would be willing to meet with the birth parents plus what kind of contact to have after the placement of the child. All kinds of scenarios were placed before us. Would we want contact with birth siblings, birth grandparents, etc. It made our heads spin. We were very conservative in our answers to the social worker's questions. Because open adoption is the norm for today's domestic adoptions, we later found out our answers to these questions kept us from many placement possibilities for about a year.

During that year I started reading adoption blogs. I can't remember which one was first. But one lead to another and another and another. And eventually I found the Open Adoption Roundtable plus Heart Cries and Amstel Life. Through all of these bloggers I was able to get a big picture of open adoption. We finally asked our agency to amend our home study to include a completely open adoption.

One year later we were matched with our son's birth mother and we couldn't be happier. We are so thankful for the time we got to spend with R and her mother. We initially agreed to send pictures and letters through the agency. And we certainly started out that way. But now we have each other's email addresses and can communicate through Facebook.

I haven't yet digested how this will all turn out. But, I am so thankful to have an open adoption. The possibilities for the future are there and I can't wait to see what happens!

Open Adoption Roundatable #29

Heather at "Production, Not Reproduction" has opened a new Open Adoption Roundtable discussion. This roundtable was inspired by her visit to the BlogHer conference. She attended a session where bloggers actually got up and read their own favorite blog entries. She has encouraged the rest of us to share our own favorite blog posts and explain why it is our favorite.

I have chosen "Come Monday, It Will Be Alright". When I posted this, we were at a crossroad. We had just experienced the loss of a failed adoption and six weeks later experienced the high of being asked to meet with our son's birthmother. We were still healing, yet we had a glimmer of hope at finally becoming parents.

9/11 Ten years on

A lot happens in 10 years. Hunter and I watched the United 93 movie last night and I reminded him that 10 years ago today, we hadn't even met. We met in November of 2001. And now we are a family of 3. He's too young to know what today is all about. But Hunter and I will make sure he understands what happened in NY, at the Pentagon and Shanksville, PA.