Start spreading the news

I never thought that spreading the word about our adoption plans would be so difficult. Our adoption attorney told us that we needed to constantly talk to others about adoption in order to keep it in the forefront of people's minds. She said just bring it up every time you meet someone. She even suggested that we send out mass emails every 3 months and a post card mailing every 6 months. I thought to myself at the time, that's a little excessive. But this weekend proved me wrong.

We went to Hunter's high school reunion. We did not attend the same high school. But it was a multi-year reunion and I actually did know a few people there. We just got these snazzy new adoption pass along cards and this event was our chance to start using them. It's a good thing, too. We were both shocked that barely any of the people we knew actually knew anything about our plan to adopt. We happen to live in a small town where it seems like everybody knows everybody else's business. But, apparently, not ours.

One friend asked me how our kids were. I looked at her in shock and said, "We don't have any children." Her turn to be shocked. She said she could have sworn that we did. Embarrassing little moment. But it did allow me to press some cards into her hand and tell her all about adoption. This was pretty much how the evening went. Then there was a friend of ours whom we see on a fairly regular basis. When I brought out the cards to distribute to our group of friends, she said (and I am not making this up) "I thought you all had just given up" WTF!!!

So guess who is spending this week preparing another mass email and working on address labels. In an earlier post I complained that this whole process is like walking through a maze with a blindfold on. Well, here is just another example. You'd think I would be getting the hang of it by now.

Breathing Easy Again

Declining the birth mother match in June left me with a lot of mixed emotions, obviously. Afterwards I still felt sadness for the couple involved and anger towards the agency. But then came this overwhelming feeling of, "Oh God, we're never going to find a match ever again!". Sure enough, some leads came in through our lawyer. They sounded like some pretty good adoption placements. But always there would be one thing or another that would disqualify us. One placement sounded so wonderful, I thought of asking Hunter if he would convert to Judaism. No, no - I'm only joking. But it did sound that good.

At least my sense of humor is coming back.

Anyway, last night I woke suddenly at 2am. Not being able to go back to sleep, I started up the old laptop. There wasn't much going on at Facebook that time of night. So I caught up on my blogging buddies recent entries. Then something made me check my email. Something caught my eye...

Could that be a message from the lawyer? Yes, it was indeed. I held my breath as I opened and read it. Birth mother description sounded good. I continued to read, there had to be a catch. I read the part stating what kind of couple the birth mother was interested in. Sounded really good. I read it again. Surely I was missing something, the one thing that would knock us out of the running. But no, we fit every category. I didn't waste any time and didn't even bother to wake Hunter. I fired off an email to the lawyer telling her we were interested.

Big sigh of relief. I know it's a long shot. But reading that email brought back my faith that another match was possible. Fingers crossed. Here we go!

Sandra Bullock adopts. What a Blind Side

Back in March, before the whole Jesse James affair circus, Sandra Bullock had this to say upon winning the Oscar for her role in "The Blind Side".

I would like to thank what this film is about for me which are the moms that take care of the babies and the children no matter where they come from. Those moms and parents never get thanked. I, in particular, failed to thank one. So… if I can take this moment to thank Helga B. for not letting me ride in cars with boys until I was 18 because she was right. I would’ve done what she said I was gonna do. For making me practice every day when I got home. Piano, ballet, whatever it is I wanted to be. She said to be an artist, you had to practice every day, and for reminding her daughters that there’s no race, no religion, no class system, no color, nothing, no sexual orientation that makes us better than anyone else. We are all deserving of love.

I was really moved by those words. And now they have even more weight in their meaning for her personally. Although the world didn't know it yet, she had become a mother herself. It was announced in a cover story for People magazine that in January, she and her husband had brought home a baby boy from New Orleans after beginning adoption proceedings four years ago.

Really? Four years ago? I haven't seen the full article, but I hope there is some elaboration on that. Most times we see celebrities just turn up with babies. They have the cash to pay a high-powered adoption attorney to match them with the child of their dreams. The rest of us can't afford that kind of adoption. So we wait. And wait...

I would seriously like for someone like Sandra Bullock to share her adoption experience with the rest of the world. Of course, right now she would probably like as much privacy as possible during what I'm sure is a painful time for all involved (including her husband's children). There is going to be an awful lot to sort out there and the well being of all the children should be priority number one.

But maybe, one day she'll sit down and tell the world just what took four years. Those of us who have adopted or are waiting to adopt know just what takes so long. Wouldn't it be great to hear from someone like Sandra what it is like to wait so long to become a parent? Nia Vardalos spoke recently about the difficult maze of domestic adoption she and her husband experienced. What an awesome team she and Sandra would make as advocates for adoption.

PMA Recharged!

"Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude. "
~ W. W. Ziege

I didn't realize it until yesterday, but I have really been in a funk for about the last 6 weeks. I guess it started with this, Pity Party. That phone conversation basically made me feel like we were on the road to nowhere with regards to our adoption. Add to that the lousy, no, brutal winter weather we've been experiencing on the east coast, well you can kind of see what it would do to a person.

It all came to a head this past weekend. On Sunday I had a brainstorm. Why not try calling an adoption attorney? We were set to have an early meeting with our social worker on Thursday which meant we could fit in another meeting later that day. So I emailed the attorney that had been most recommended to us. I did not expect an answer until Monday, but she actually emailed me back that afternoon saying she could meet us. I suggested a meeting time and waited to hear back. Just before bed I got her reply. The time was fine for her and she followed up with what the consultation would cover. And, oh, her fee was $325!

Well, I guess that was the proverbial last straw. I lost it and weeks of frustration and disappointment came spilling out in uncontrollable tears. I basically cried myself to sleep. And things didn't get much better the next morning when my co-worker had an adoption tip for me. God bless her. She was only trying to help, but was unaware of my breakdown the night before. More tears, I'm afraid.

Nevertheless, Hunter said to go ahead with the appointment. I spent the next few days worrying excessively. Would this be worth the money? Or would she just tell me what I already knew? I even emailed my fellow blogger, Julie at A Family is Born, to see who they were using. It was the same lawyer and she assured me that she definitely recommended her. That helped me relax a bit.

Thursday came. It was a gorgeous day. Sunny and warm with all the Springtime flowers in bloom. We had a 9am meeting with our social worker. I was trying to keep an open mind but our last conversation and how it made me feel is what I opened with. I could hardly keep my voice from cracking while I was trying to be diplomatic about my feelings. To her credit, I felt she handled everything very well. We spent about an hour hashing things out. We did discover that we probably needed to make an addendum to our home study pertaining to our increasingly positive feelings for an open adoption. Overall, it was a good meeting. I left with more positive feelings than negative.

Then it was on to the meeting with the attorney. Now, Hunter and I have NEVER had to consult a lawyer about anything in our lives. So this was pretty intimidating. Luckily, the attorney was anything but intimidating.

After the introductions and niceties, she hit the floor running with her presentation. We found her very likable and a wealth of information. It is obvious she has spent years building contacts within the adoption world. We discussed networking strategies. Some I had thought of. Some I had not. She showed us examples of parent profiles, some good and some not so good. She did it all with a positive attitude with some humor thrown in. At the same time she was honest with us emphasizing that we had a lot of work ahead of us. She said some of her clients treat their adoption search like a part-time job. We should have been overwhelmed by that statement, but we were not. Her main point was that anyone hoping to adopt should be openly pursuing every possible avenue to make a match. We agreed to take her on as our attorney and we left the meeting full of optimism.

Do I think she is a miracle worker? No. Do I think she is a woman with a plan? Definitely. Industrious is the word Hunter used to describe her. So with two great meetings under our belt on a beautiful spring day, here we go! No looking back at what has passed. Just PMA!!

Pity Party

I am in serious need of a giant pep talk this week. My PMA (positive mental attitude) has up and left the building. I'm sure part of the problem is the lousy weather. I am having a hard time being positive about our adoption journey this week.

We've been keeping in touch with the agency once a month by email since going on the waiting list last May. The social worker that did our home study left last July. We did not get a new one until September. We decided we should meet her at some point and decided to give her time to settle in and for the holidays to pass. We were supposed to meet Tuesday after rescheduling due to the weather last Friday. Unfortunately, her son became ill (of which I am totally sympathetic to) and we canceled the meeting again.

She did her very best to be helpful and encouraged me to ask her any questions we had over the phone. Well, I would have preferred if Hunter had been home at the time. But I did have 2 pressing questions so I went ahead and asked. One was about how long our home study was valid. The other had to do with all this networking or "advocating for ourselves" that the agency had so strongly encouraged us to do. I asked what do we do if someone approaches us with a possible adoption.

The answer was given very enthusiastically. We just needed to call the agency. They would give us a list of adoption attorneys to contact to do the legal work. The agency would do the required amount of counseling for the mother. But everything else would be through the lawyer. Oh and don't worry about having to call an attorney, I was told. People get worried about how much it costs to hire a lawyer. But, it was stressed to me, this type of adoption costs less than an agency placement and really is the most common form of adoption today.

I listened in silence absolutely stunned. I was confused, but without Hunter there I did not want to say or hear anymore. I relayed the conversation to him later and he had the same reaction. If finding your own adoption situation is the norm of adoptions today, why on earth are we signed up with an agency? We were led to believe all you had to do was sign up, be patient and the agency will take care of the rest.

We actually went to another agency the very next day. We were going to have a one-on-one session with them to see what other options we might have. I hadn't planned on bringing up our current agency situation, but couldn't help myself. As I explained the conversation my voice rose and my arms flailed as if not connected to my body. "I don't understand" I kept repeating. The nice woman we met with was able to calm me down. She explained that this is the reality of domestic infant adoption today and her reasons made perfect sense. She did explain that some agencies still advertise as doing agency placements as their primary option, but parental placement is now the norm.

She said it was a shame for us to have come this far in the process and only now come to understand. I am glad we went for a second opinion. We probably won't switch agencies. But it is so depressing to know just how much more there is to this process. And nobody can seem to help you. It's like negotiating a maze with a blindfold on. You only figure out you're doing something wrong when you hit a wall. And hitting the wall makes you reluctant to continue for fear of making yet another mistake and wasting more time.